Neigh, neigh,

What’s that you say?

The supermarket burger

Guilty of horse murder!

And what about the pies,

The beef from pig sties?

It seems that the suppliers

Have been a bunch of liars.

The best thing for us to do

Is to opt for veggie stew.


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We love food

It tastes rather good.

A nasty taste,

Is the amount we waste.

It really is a sin

What goes in our bins.

Let’s stop all this rot.

Eat up what we’ve got.


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Cycling fans, imagine the hoopla

When Lance Armstrong appears on Oprah!

They say he’s bound to come clean at last,

Confess all on his dodgy dope-ring past.

It’s sad a sporting legend, once held so high,

Should have built a career based on a lie.

Let it be a lesson kids, don’t do drugs

It’s a fool’s errand, a game for mugs.


A new year is here and it got me thinking

I really ought to cut back on the drinking.

Red wine with dinner, white wine for pud,

I do drink a lot, but boy it tastes good!

The worry I’ve got is my health declining,

And what good is booze if your body’s flatlining?

So, for January at least, I’m on the detox,

I’ll skip the pub, stay in, watch the box.


As everyone knows who’s boarded a train,

The UK railways are bloomin’ insane.

You pay over the odds to be crammed like a fish

It’s a tin on wheels – and not very swish.

The buffet car’s a rip off, the toilets a joke,

You stand nose to nose, faced with sweaty old blokes.

Now lo and behold, the prices are rising,

With the state of this country, it isn’t surprising.

Forget it mate, go on, take a hike.

I’m giving up on trains, and using my bike.


It’s been a while since I tried to be witty,

Put pen to paper and wrote down a ditty.

But they say a new year, brings a fresh start,

So I’ll do my best, try to be smart.

I vow to spend at least 10 minutes a day,

Mocking the news in my own special way.

Happy 2013 everyone!

While the Middletons may act aloof
They like a good time, and here’s the proof
Heaven forbid they’ve been off on a yacht
Diving, sunbathing, not giving a jot.
‘Scandal! So naughty!’ the red-tops cry.
‘Look at that Pippa, easy on the eye
‘In a  white bikini, showing off
‘Isn’t she a peach? Even for a toff!’
Now is it just me, or do we really need to know
What happened on a holiday 5 years ago?
I say to the tabloids, let those Middletons be
There’s a world full of real news, I’d like to see.

The Pope is embracing the digital age
Has released an app – they’re all the rage!
Yes, in his hallowed, Bavarian tones
He said: “Confess to your iPhones!’

Now for the price of just £1.19
You simply touch your shiny screen
Say: “Forgive me iPhone, I am a sinner.”
Simple really. Everyone’s a winner.

Priests will no longer have to sit and listen
As people confess to drowning kittens
And other sordid tales of woe
Now you can do it while on the go.


Oh how I had to scoff

When I saw Cameron with the Hoff

What a pair the two did make

Both of them, equally fake

Yes, the two Davids – what a pair

Standing there, with their foppish hair

One on TV, talking tosh

The other in Parliament, talking posh

I wonder what they said to each other

“Hey man, could we be brothers?!”

Yet, they do say opposites attract

And let’s face it, both are tw*ts.


She’s a brash and trashy lass
Who likes to warble a tune
But her latest singing attempt
Has made her look like a buffoon

Whilst belting her nation’s anthem
Across the United States
She fluffed one of her lines
And boy what a mistake!

The Twitterverse went crazy
Said: ‘How un-American a gaffe!’
The media followed suit
And the hysteria made me laugh

Poor, trashy Christina
Don’t let yourself be throttled
Go back to singing simple songs
Like ‘Genie in a Bottle’