Keeping up with the Middletons

While the Middletons may act aloof

They like a good time, and here’s the proof

Heaven forbid they’ve been off on a yacht

Diving, sunbathing, not giving a jot.

‘Scandal! So naughty!’ the red-tops cry.

‘Look at that Pippa, easy on the eye

‘In a  white bikini, showing off

‘Isn’t she a peach? Even for a toff!’

Now is it just me, or do we really need to know

What happened on a holiday 5 years ago?

I say to the tabloids, let those Middletons be

There’s a world full of real news, I’d like to see.

Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/greenslade/2011/may/09/pcc-pippa-middleton

The Pope app

The Pope is embracing the digital age
Has released an app – they’re all the rage!
Yes, in his hallowed, Bavarian tones
He said: “Confess to your iPhones!’

Now for the price of just £1.19
You simply touch your shiny screen
Say: “Forgive me iPhone, I am a sinner.”
Simple really. Everyone’s a winner.

Priests will no longer have to sit and listen
As people confess to drowning kittens
And other sordid tales of woe
Now you can do it while on the go.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-12391129

Hoff and the PM

Oh how I had to scoff

When I saw Cameron with the Hoff

What a pair the two did make

Both of them, equally fake

Yes, the two Davids – what a pair

Standing there, with their foppish hair

One on TV, talking tosh

The other in Parliament, talking posh

I wonder what they said to each other

“Hey man, could we be brothers?!”

Yet, they do say opposites attract

And let’s face it, both are tw*ts.

Source: 

O! say can you Christina

She’s a brash and trashy lass
Who likes to warble a tune
But her latest singing attempt
Has made her look like a buffoon

Whilst belting her nation’s anthem
Across the United States
She fluffed one of her lines
And boy what a mistake!

The Twitterverse went crazy
Said: ‘How un-American a gaffe!’
The media followed suit
And the hysteria made me laugh

Poor, trashy Christina
Don’t let yourself be throttled
Go back to singing simple songs
Like ‘Genie in a Bottle’

http://newslite.tv/2011/02/07/christina-aguilera-fluffs-nati.html

All a-flurry!

Panic! Panic! Panic!
Snow is on the ground
The traffic is at a standstill
The airplanes are aground

We’ve been urged not to travel
The kids are not at school
They say that if you do go out
You really are a fool

It really is quite crazy
How hysterical we all go
When the weather changes
And we have a little bit of snow.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11883714

The sound of Wagner

I love to hear him sing
I love to see him dance
Seriously, on a Saturday night
He has me in a trance.
Yes, Wagner is my hero
He really makes me smile
Even if he can’t sing
He makes XFactor worthwhile.
I hope he wins the competition
And that Katie Waissel goes
I know these things don’t matter
After all, it’s just a show.
But while the weather’s gloomy
And the nights are grey and cold
Wagner makes me chortle
And stops me feeling old.

Source: http://www.metro.co.uk/showbiz/847507-jedward-back-wagner-for-x-factor-success

Diagnosis Porpoise

He’s befriended a magic nanny
And driven a flying car
But Dick Van Dyke’s latest exploit
Is the craziest by far.

While dozing on his surfboard
He got swept out to sea
He really was in danger
As in deep as could be.

But then some porpoises saw him
Must have heard him snore
They valiantly came to his rescue
And nudged him back to shore.

Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2010/nov/11/dick-van-dyke-porpoises-rescue

She’s a Gran-sta!

There’s a new DJ on the block
Goes by the name of Mamy Rock
She has all the kids in a trance
With her eclectic mix of electro dance
But Mamy’s different from all others
For she’s also a grandmother
Yes, at the grand old age of 69
She’s shaking it up and doing just fine.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-11716263

Ode to Hamley

I know I really shouldn’t laugh
But did you hear about the poor giraffe?
The one who starred on the TV
Who went by the name of Hamley.
The story itself is quite frightening
Apparently he succumbed to a bolt of lightning
Now poor Hamley is dead and gone
Which makes my laughter oh so wrong.
Goodbye Hamley, you will be missed
Oh cruel fate. What a bitter twist.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-11718785

The Social Monarch

Hey chaps, take a look
Our dear old Queen is on Facebook
I hope she’ll update us on all her favourite things
Corgis, crowns and chats with Kings
Imagine how insightful her Newsfeed would be
If she told us her goss, who she’d had over for tea
But sadly I don’t think this will be the case
Some bore will write it, and give it her face
No, alas, she won’t change history
She’ll reveal nothing, still be a mystery.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11704599